When your child says unkind things, it means they are struggling.

If your child says unkind things it says nothing about them.

I’ve said some unkind things to the people I love the most.

I wish that wasn’t true, but it is.

After it happens I always leave feeling so much regret and guilt about what I said.

When I look back on those times I can see that I wasn’t thinking clearly.

I had become overwhelmed with emotion and wasn’t operating as my best self.

This happens to your child too.

But when your child gets overwhelmed with emotion and says something unkind your brains totally want to believe they are doomed to be a selfish unkind person.

That just isn’t true.

We aren’t doomed.

Neither are our children.

We aren’t mean.

Neither are your kids.

Sometimes we react to our emotions instead of feeling them.

Sometimes we get hooked by our triggers instead of getting present to them.

This happens to our kids too.

Next time one of your children says or does something unkind, focus on…

…believing in them more
…connecting with them more
…understanding them more.

They will probably feel regretful and bad (even if they don’t admit it) about themselves after saying something unkind.

You can help them remember…

That just because they said something unkind that doesn’t mean they are unkind.

It doesn’t mean anything about who they really are.

They are an amazing human who is figuring things out.

What if you focused all your energy on connecting with them and looking for the great things about them?

Set a limit if you feel like you need to.

But don’t set a limit so you can teach them a lesson.

Set the limit because you feel like it serves them.

Look for the good.

Believe in them even when they don’t believe in themselves.

Connect with them, even when it feels like they are trying to push you away.

Now see if you can figure out the cause of what’s really going on.

The unkind words are just a plea for connection.

How will you answer that plea?

Want to dive deeper into this?

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This is what we do inside the Connect Method Parenting framework.

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Andee Martineau

Andee’s a mom of 6, reformed yeller, and the creator of Connect Method Parenting. She’s on a mission to help moms feel in control, bring the fun back into parenting, and ditch the yelling, corrections, and endless feelings of failure!

Can you imagine your kids happily listening to you, helping around the house, confiding in you, and getting along with their siblings? She’s got you covered with simple, scientifically-sound steps to do just that (that actually work. For real!)

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