Victim Mentality

Victim Mentality and the Power of Being Vulnerable and Open

Victim mentality is sneaky, it is unconscious, and it doesn’t necessarily manifest as this overt victimhood.

It influences you in a big way, though. And it can change the way you perceive and navigate your life. It can affect even the strongest, most capable, most independent people, it gets all of us.

Being vulnerable and open, I would say, tend to get misunderstood and mislabeled as weakness. These qualities are actually a sign of tremendous strength. It takes courage to embrace vulnerability and openness and to explore the depths of your emotions, to explore the truth of what other people are saying and to look beyond the behavior of your children. You want to be vulnerable because it will create meaningful, fulfilling lives and allow you to connect deeply with the people in your life.

If you adopt a victim mentality in your life it is going to seep into your parenting and influence how you raise your children.

If you’re not careful, it can manifest as blaming external factors or situations outside of you for your parenting challenges. An example of this might look like you blaming your lack of time for not being able to have good quality moments with your kids and finding lots of excuses for why you don’t have the relationships we want with your kids.

Recognizing this mindset allows you to take full ownership of your choices and stop making excuses. On the other hand, embracing vulnerability and openness and having ownership in our parenting journey is going to foster deeper connections with your kids.

You’re not going to be blaming or coming up with excuses as to why things aren’t working. It really means acknowledging your imperfections and being open to growth and seeing everything as an opportunity for growth. When you’re willing to have difficult conversations with people, admit your mistakes, and feel your emotions, you can create whatever you want in your life.

You can stay calm and connected no matter what shenanigans your kids are doing. Being vulnerable and open isn’t not about avoiding challenges or shielding yourself from the ups and downs of lives or your kids tantrums. It’s about becoming so resilient, strong and mature in your emotional well-being that nothing your kids do will throw you for a loop.

The cool thing about this is when you are modeling this and actively nurturing this inside of yourself, your kids will notice and are likely to also start modeling that behavior. As parents you’re going to play a vital role in helping your children create this healthy mindset.

The victim mentality can often be elusive and hard to avoid. It can creep into your life without you even realizing it. Throughout this post I’m going to give lots of examples so you can see how you might be missing it in broad daylight.

Everyone is going to have a time where they have felt like a victim. A lot of these traumas stem from childhood. Recognizing that this is normal, it happens it’s our nervous system’s way to protect us, is going to help you move past and not feel bad about it.

Everyone has these situations. It happens when your nervous system considers something as a dangerous situation or trauma. Feeling like a victim to these situations will create triggers, ways that your body is trying to protect itself rom the perceived danger.

This could look like defensiveness, blaming or being incredibly impatient. These are attributes or behaviors that are associated with the victim mentality. All of us are dealing with this to some extent. I’ve had lots of conversations with parents where they feel embarrassed that they have these triggers.

There’s no reason to be embarrassed for your tendency to yell, be impatient or overreact about something that consciously you know you are going over the top about it. Don’t beat yourself up over any of that. Your nervous system needs to feel safe to calm down and renegotiate that situation so you can let it go. Beating yourself up over these reactions does nothing to solve the root of your problem.

When you’re beating yourself up it is common to become the villain and the victim because you’re beating yourself up, which is the villain, and you’re the victim of that abuse. Even if it’s this mental dialogue you have that you shouldn’t be in victim mode or you shouldn’t overreact in such a way, beating yourself up in any way is not going to help the healing process.

We all go into victim mode, it happens to everyone from time to time. Real progress and healing happens when you step more strongly being vulnerable, strong and open as often as possible. It’s a process for all of us. The first step is recognizing your victim mentality as an issue without beating yourself up about it.

Blame is a common characteristic of victim mentality. We blame our kids for the frustration we’re having. They didn’t pick up their messes. They talked back to me. They never wash their dishes.

I’ve totally been guilty of this. I have absolutely been in a place where I thought the problem was outside of me and my control when it came to the kids. I would think to myself “If they would just start behaving better, my life would be better.”

That’s a blame mentality. You’re blaming our problems on someone else. If you find yourself complaining a lot, this is a trait of being in a victim mentality.

It’s a sign that you’re dropping into victimhood. It’s not a problem. I’m telling you this so you can have little beacons that alert you when you slip into this mindset.

Once you realize your thought patterns shifting towards a victim mentality you can decide how you want to proceed. You can course correct if, and only if, you want to.

If you were overwhelmed, let’s say, because your child was really challenging you with their behavior and you started saying things like, “it’s just so difficult. My child’s just difficult. If they would just clean up their room or if they would be more considerate, then things would be better.”

These statements reflect victim mentality. At this point you can start shifting that responsibility away from yourself, victim mentality, to shifting it towards yourself and begin to take ownership which allows you to start making real progress towards your goals.

Defensiveness often accompanies victim mentality as well. If your kids are pushing back because you say that it’s time for them to do their homework, and you can feel yourself getting defensive, remember that this is a sign of a victim mentality.

Vulnerability is not weakness

Defense is the first act of war, as Byron Katie says, and I love that because victim mentality prevents you from engaging in open and constructive dialogue with ourselves or your kids.

So you want to notice it. Vulnerability does not equate to weakness. Like I was saying before, I just want to drill this into your head. You will not be in a weaker position if you are vulnerable and open.

In fact, you will be more capable. Sometimes when I teach parents this, they get worried. They say things like, “if I’m open and I listen to them and I don’t fight back, they’re just going to take advantage of me.”

The opposite is true. When you’re open and listen and are able to stay emotionally grounded, you are in a much better place to help your child. It’s crucial to understand that vulnerability does not equate to weakness or lack of strength.

Victim mentality might trick you into thinking that it is helpful, but when you’re in a calm nervous system state and you’re not triggered, you are able to see that it is more detrimental than you originally imagined.

Your job is to see when you fall into victim mentality, calm your nervous system down so that you can create an ope, honest mentality. A mentality of ownership and vulnerability.

More signs of a victim mentality

Another one of the key signs of victim mentality is complaining. This is another thing people stuck in a victim mentality tend to do. They find themselves constantly complaining and playing the role of victim. This is a clear indication that you have adopted the victim mindset, at least for the moment.

If you find yourself complaining, If you say, “my child never listens or they’re always giving me a hard time,” you’re focusing on the negative aspects.

You are putting blame on the kids or on the house, or a multitude of situations outside of your control. When you are creating a villain, so to speak, you are also playing the role of the perpetual victim.

It hinders your ability to find effective solutions. When you’re trapped in victim mentality, you tend to view yourself as the victim of your own story. You are interpreting everyday situations as deliberate actions against you.

If your teen only is talking to you when they need money, victim mentality tends to think thinks like, “they don’t even care about me, or they’re so inconsiderate” when in reality, it could be that they have issues with friends or they’re feeling terrible about their lack of progress.

There could be so many other things they’re struggling with that have nothing to do with us.

Even though the reason your child is ignoring you (in this situation) has nothing to do with you, when you are in a complaining victim mode everything has personal meaning. It’s always, “they’re doing this on purpose.”

It’s crucial to recognize these distortions in our thinking.

Personal Example of Slipping into a Victim Mentality

Many years ago I was doing my dishes and I looked out the window and I saw two of my friends at the park.

They hadn’t called me. I was so hurt. I was really hurt because we did a lot of stuff together and I was really surprised. So I sat there for a while. I totally made it about me. I immediately jumped to the conclusion that they were intentionally excluding me. Why wouldn’t they just text me or walk to my door?

And I framed it as an attack against me. I perpetuated the victim mentality within myself. Instead of keeping it neutral, being able to be open to the possibility that they simply didn’t want to hang out with me at the park that day, and that was okay and that it had nothing to do with me, I let myself feel like the victim. Maybe they were discussing something that was very personal and they didn’t want other people involved.

There were so many possibilities that I could have gone towards instead of personal attack. I sat there and I really was hurt. I want to emphasize this part of the story. Being in a victim mode from time to time is natural. All of us have done it. It’s our nervous system’s way to protect us.

We just don’t want to be fooled by it anymore. I don’t think it’s helpful, but nonetheless, we’re going to have moments where we feel the intensity of it.

This was a moment for me where I felt the intensity of it. I let myself be hurt and frustrated and angry. And I sat with myself and I just let that come up. I let myself feel it all the way through. I had nothing I could do other than just feel it.

Then I allowed my brain to calm down, which happened because I wasn’t fighting the emotions anymore. I was just sad. There’s this trip that we take emotionally from mad to sad where we go from resisting the situation, which is sad – the victim mode – to surrendering to the situation, and just feeling sad, but not being victimized anymore.

Realizing there’s nothing you can do to change this, and allowing the situation to simply be will help you grow stronger and more capable to address the situation the next time that it comes up. That’s the journey I was able to go through.

That’s the journey I want all of us to be able to experience as we navigate out of a victim mentality because it’s really powerful, life-changing really. When you can pause and get present, you become the watcher of your experience, and you can see how you have given your locus of control away to something outside of you.

In the case of my two friends sitting across the street on the park, instead of immediately believing my gut victim related thoughts I let myself feel it, all the feelings and get emotional. Then I decided to say to my own nervous system instead of falling into a ‘woe is me’ mentality.

I sometimes talk to my nervous system, and I say, “thank you, nervous system”. Sometimes I’ll say “thank you, for trying to protect me and thinking we needed to defend ourselves against my friends going to the park without me. But I don’t believe that anymore. I don’t need to be the victim of this. This is not anything I’m believing anymore.”

I was able to explore a different perspective and engage in this open dialogue with myself and transition out of it.

Moving Away From a Victim Mentality

This is one of the ways you can get out of the victim mentality. To realize that your nervous system is trying to protect you. You are inevitably going to slip into it every so often. What is important is that you begin to notice those thoughts when they pop up. Notice when you’re blaming or complaining, when you’re getting defensive. Once you notice your patterns you don’t have to play the game anymore, you can choose to move past that pattern and onto new realities for your parenting and your life.

You don’t have to stay stuck. Let’s say your child decided to lie to you about their homework. They said they were done and they went out and played and when you went and checked their homework, they hadn’t done anything. The victim mentality would look like you stepping into thinking “they had done this intentionally, they’re deceiving us, how could they lie to me! my kids are going to be liars and cheaters,” versus when we step into ownership and vulnerability you are able to take a step back and consider why they might have lied to you.

You can be neutral about the situation and figure out why they decided to go play when they knew their homework wasn’t done, what might be happening inside of them.

You can believe that they are doing their best in that moment and keep your nervous system calm and not activated. More than likely, the reason your kid lied has nothing to do with you. It just has to do with something going on with them. The best way you can figure out what’s going on for them is by staying calm and connected and in a place of openness, vulnerability, and ownership over your emotions and reaction.

There might be some things that you need to confront yourself with concerning how you may have contributed to your child thinking lying was the solution. You may carry some of the blame in the situation, which is not a big deal if you take responsibility and action towards righting the wrong. I want you to look at those things. I want you to look at what’s going on in your child’s life, and I want you to be able to explore all of the potential reasons that they felt it was okay to lie.

That’s ownership. That’s vulnerability. That is when you get to create incredible connection with yourself and your kids. A lot of us, we just like this victim mentality. I wouldn’t say we like it, we crave it.

It’s something we become so familiar with that it becomes part of who we are. We fall into the victim mindset and we think that we need to have someone else be responsible for our challenges. It’s all subconscious and totally fixable.

Another Story! Surprise Surprise :))

When COVID hit, my girls started making cookie dough almost every day. And I just decided that I wanted to eat cookie dough every day. I’m decided to sit on the couch and watch shows with them and play games. We didn’t go out very many places.

It was, in some ways, a really beautiful time as far as family connection. However, it took a toll on my body. I started gaining weight and I definitely wasn’t as in shape as I used to be. I would tell myself a multitude of excuses to feel better about myself.

I had a strong victim mindset around the whole situation. I would say “it was COVID and I couldn’t go out and the girls were eating cookie dough and I was bored and I wanted to eat cookie dough with them.” or “It was a bonding experience!” I had all my reasons.

Once COVID was over, I did not like the number on the scale. And more even than that, I didn’t like my lack of commitment to my physical health. It took me a while to address the situation because I floundered in the victimhood for a while, but eventually I hired a health coach.

I was inspired because my younger sister recently started working with a health coach and has been making mad progress on her health and I wanted that for myself so I hired the same health coach. He laid everything out for me that I could possibly want as far as my health goes. Four months later, I was on a call with him and I caught myself telling him all of the reasons this program is not working for me.

I hadn’t really lost any weight, but I also hadn’t followed any of his plans. I wasn’t exercising consistently like he asked me to. I wasn’t addressing my mindset. I wasn’t fixing my diet. I remember saying, “I’m so mad. This isn’t working for me. I don’t think it’s going to work.”

That’s when he helped me see how much of a victim I was being. I really hadn’t changed anything when it came to my health. I was living from a place of entitlement, of feeling that my situation should change without any real effort on my part.

I didn’t want to take any substantial action, but I also felt that my health goals should be easy to accomplish because I felt entitled to this change. I didn’t want to do the work because some part of me believed that my situation was somebody else’s fault. I wanted to take some supplements for my hormones, or whatever I thought the issue was, and everything would be fixed.

I confess that I have bought those silly weight loss pills before, not my proudest moment I’ll tell you that much. It’s just another way of trying to shortcut the process without honestly addressing the issue at hand. This call I had with my health coach was when I realized that I was being a victim. It took me four months in the program to realize this.

After I noticed this I have been able to address my victim mentality head on, and I have to say, it’s really fun to see my brain throw some little tantrums around this area in my life that I haven’t worked on very hard for a while.

I’ve worked really hard with parenting. I’ve worked really hard with my relationship with my husband. I’ve worked really hard in a lot of areas of my life, but I haven’t worked hard on fitness for a long time.

It’s a new area for my brain to grow and develop, and that excites me! If you are sitting here thinking, “Andee, I am so on top of it with my career, I don’t go into victimhood.” I would say: “absolutely! that is because you’ve practiced it in that area of your live very intentionally.

With parenting, it might still be a struggle for you and a lot of people simply because you haven’t practiced intentionality within your parenting. It’s very easy to blame the kid’s behavior, to blame the state of the house or any number of other things for the reason things aren’t working out, I get that.

I’m challenging you today to stop that. You’re going to stop that. Say it with me: “I will stop being a victim in my parenting because I want to make lasting change and create amazing relationships with my family.”

YOU Are In Control Of YOUR Emotional State, No One Else

Imagine you went to a family party and somebody said something unkind about one of your kid’s behavior. A lot of moms who come in and start working with me, they’re petrified about getting negative comments from other people about their kids behavior. So let’s just say that that’s what happens and you really are hurt and you start defending and you can feel yourself going into a victim mentality.

You might want to talk to your partner and say, “Oh my gosh, this person is so rude.” You might be coming down really hard on yourself and start beating yourself up when in reality you are the victim and the perpetrator all at once. That would be a pretty typical response.

Let’s contrast that with what the situation would look like if you stepped into a state of open vulnerability where you were really owning yourself and the issue. You could consciously choose to not turn control over to that other person. You don’t want to let that other person influence how you feel, they obviously don’t have your best interests at heart.

You are in complete control of you reaction and do not have to give them control over your emotional state. You could acknowledge what they said. Maybe you could say, “Oh, that’s super interesting,” or “thanks for sharing,” or “Thank you” or whatever variation you want. I would recommend to pick a very simple acknowledgement when choosing your response.

Maybe there’s truth in what they said. Maybe there’s nothing that’s truthful about what they said. Either way, you don’t need to argue or create contention around the comment because that doesn’t serve either of you. You get to decide that you don’t want to start spinning on their comment and let what they says consume me for the rest of the night, you can let it go.

Don’t You Just Love Facebook?

A few years ago, I posted something on Facebook about parenting. It was something about how punitive consequences don’t work. And a friend of mine, I thought we were dear friends, actually I think in her mind she was being a dear friend by commenting like this, started posting really, (what I would have said at the time) rude and unkind things on my post.

She commented things like: “I don’t agree with you, if you don’t believe in punishments and you don’t believe in God” and things in that vein. It was really crazy and confusing for me. And the post ended up getting two or three hundred comments because there was so much discussion going on about this topic of consequences and rewards, which I know there’s a lot of misunderstanding about it.

This friend started DMing me and the whole conversation got really strange. You might think because this was so far out in left field that it would be easy to just dismiss it, but here’s the problem. For years, my worst fear had been getting attacked on social media about something I posted.

And so I had been preparing for this terrible threat for years. I had been telling my nervous system, if someone starts becoming a bully on social media, this is a big problem. We need to protect ourselves. And so when it happened, my nervous system was ready up in arms and it took me a good 48 hours to really convince my nervous system that this was not a life threatening event.

I asked for extra coaching with my one on one coach at the time. I spent hours and hours and hours processing with my poor husband, went on walks, meditated, prayed, all the things I could think of to get myself to calm down. And eventually I did. And I realized, that I was giving my friend control over my emotions instead of taking responsibility for them myself.

I was able to see how she was truly, from her point of view, trying to help out. And I was able to DM her and say, “thank you for sharing your opinions with me. I understand that you are trying to help and that this is your way of doing it. And I really believe we have the same core intention. We want the same things out of life and I’m wishing you all the best.”

that’s truly how I felt when I shared it with my husband. And my husband said, “Are you sure? Do you really feel that?” And I genuinely did feel that way. I didn’t have any hard feelings towards my friend at all. I truly felt peaceful about it.

I’ve seen her since and it’s been fine. I don’t need to defend myself against her, even though for a period of time, my nervous system thought it was a big, huge fat attack. That’s what by brain thought. Once I took a step back, calmed my nervous system down and took responsibility for my emotions I was able to honor both my opinion and the opinions of my friend with no issue.

The key to avoiding victim mentality is being open, vulnerable and realizing nobody can say anything to you that can damage you unless you allow it to. You are whole, complete and worthy.

Whatever comes out of someone else’s mouth has so much more to do with them than it does with you. I believe that just by being born here, every single person is whole and full of worth. You don’t need to earn your worth or your lovability.

When I was trying to get myself grounded with the park situation, one of the things I did was listen to this book called Lovability by Robert Holden.

I highly recommend it. It’s a really great book that emphasizes over and over again how we are lovable and worthy no matter what. When you truly accept this fact, your nervous system calms down and provides you with so much safety.

When I teach parents about vulnerability, about being open, about not fighting back or getting defensive, a lot of them will say, “I’m worried if I do that, I will lose control”.

They worry that their kids will think it’s okay to talk back or to not do their homework if they accept them as they are. That’s not what I’m saying. Actually, the opposite is true. The more that you stay in a place of openness, vulnerability, and ownership, the more impact and power you’ll have in conversations with your kids, because you’re not going to be emotionally triggered. You aren’t going to get sucked into their drama.

You’re going to be able to calmly hear them and honestly respect who you’re being in that moment and set a limit that is powerful.

I believe it’s the absolute opposite, that being open and taking responsibility for your emotions is an act of personal empowerment.

When we refuse to allow someone’s words to devastate us, we retain our inner power and strength. It’s about acknowledging their opinions and actions and how they reflect them, not us.

If our kid’s giving us a big attitude when we say the TV needs to be turned off, instead of reacting with defensiveness, instead of getting stuck in the tug of war and becoming a victim to their complaining, by calmly acknowledging their opinion and reminding ourselves that it’s simply their opinion, it’s totally fine, they don’t want the TV to turn off, and we get to stay in our place of emotional stability and set that limit.

Responding in this way shifts the experience for everyone involved and prevents us from descending into a victim mentality. We are able to set a connective limit and stay calm and confident no matter what. This is everything.

Our emotional reactions are influenced by whether or not we believe the comments or opinions being shared with us or directed towards us. When someone makes a comment that aligns with our own securities or self doubts, it’s going to have a stronger impact on our emotional state.

Recognizing this connection allows us to navigate situations with a lot more awareness and resilience. Let’s say you’re walking down the street, you’re sporting your backpack, and someone comes up to you, point blank looks you in the eyes and says, I hate your purse.

It’s terrible. But you aren’t wearing a purse, you’re wearing a backpack. There would be no truth to what they were saying. And most likely, you wouldn’t be deeply affected or take it personally because you literally don’t have a purse, you’re wearing a backpack. This is because there is no alignment to insecurities or self doubt.

It’s not like you’re wearing a purse and you’re a little nervous, you’re not sure you like it, and somebody comes up to you and says, “I hate that purse.” Then you might get sucked into their comments because you already were conflicted about the purse, you weren’t sure. But if you’re wearing a backpack and someone says, “I hate your purse”, you probably aren’t going to care about their opinion. There’s this disconnect.

Nothing about what they’re saying that resonates with your reality. No part of you believes that the purse is ugly, or cares if someone else doesn’t like it so that comment is not going to have an impact on you. I want to call this out because understanding this distinction helps you maintain your emotional well being and keeps you from slipping into victimhood.

If someone said, “I hate your taste in music”, or “you’re a terrible cook”, or “you’re so bad at running”, and you felt yourself getting defensive.

I want you to realize that it is because there’s part of you that believes them, or you have a self doubt about that. If your child tells you they hate you, I want you to be vulnerable and do your best to not feel the need to defend yourself. Do some introspection and honestly look at how you might be contributing to this relationship.

You are always contributing to the results you’re getting in your life in some way. You need to be honest and reflect on this truth, but you don’t want to feel like you have to prove to them that you have done everything you could to make this relationship great. If you go into defensive mode and need to defend against their comment, it’s because there’s part of you that believes their comment is true.

But when you are defending against their comment, you’re not going to see the truth. You’re not going to be able to discover or grow past your current reality. If you’re getting defensive, that means there’s something to explore. That means there’s some part of you that is doubting yourself and you should to go in and inspect, don’t try to prove that it’s not true.

If you have to prove that it’s not true, you don’t totally believe it yourself.

Many years ago, I had someone sit me down in a public place and for two or three hours tell me all of the things that they didn’t like about me, that I had done wrong. And I was shocked. I was thrown off guard and I fell into victimhood.

She sat across the table for me and named all of these things. I could feel myself getting defensive. I thought, how could she do this to me? What is she saying? Why is she saying these things? She’s so mean. And I went from defensive to blaming her. I started to believe the truth of what she was saying.

I would get mad at her, upset, judged her for being unkind, on and on, this emotional roller coaster, as you can imagine, for two hours. I was trying to be on my best behavior because we were in a public place, but inside I was just being torn up. My nervous system felt attacked and the only way out of it that I felt was possible at the moment was to protect myself and to prove to her how wrong she was.

That did not work. When we are in victimhood and we’re trying to prove to someone that they are wrong, first of all we’re needing to disprove something that we might believe about ourselves. Also, more likely than not, that person is in a victim mentality too, and they’re blaming us for their problems.

You are not going to be able to disprove their theories by giving them evidence in the contrary. Their brain’s just not going to accept it.

This is where I was. After the fact I started asking myself why what she was saying was bothering me so much.

If it wasn’t true, why was it bothering me so much? Or if I thought it was true, what could I do to improve that part of me? I really dove into this question of how could this be true? Where is the truth in what she’s seen?

I looked through the list of things she told me about and because my nervous system was calm I could find truth in almost everything. She said it wasn’t that I believed everything, She truly thought that everything she told me was true at face value. I could see how she thought those things about me and I could see how there was part of me that perhaps was showing up that way in my relationship with her. Because if someone says you’re unkind, you can probably find times where you’ve been unkind.

Or if someone says you’re bossy, you could probably find times where you were bossy and there was truth in that. So rather than dismissing what she’d said entirely, I was able to objectively evaluate its validity and use it as an opportunity for personal growth.

It was in that moment that I finally said to myself, “What if it’s okay if it’s all true? What could I learn from that? How could I become a better person? What if I didn’t have to defend myself? What if this was the best learning opportunity ever?”

Only after asking those questions and being okay with a positive answer was I able to start changing myself. I had a lot of things that needed to change and shift and I had a lot of things that I loved about myself and I grew so much through this experience.

Even though it was hard, it helped me grow so much and I realized the power of not needing to prove myself, of not needing to show I was worthy or kind. When you don’t need to protect yourself and when you can still feel safe, that’s when things start to shift. The reality is that none of us are perfect humans.

I wasn’t a perfect human. Some of the things she said were really revealing to me. She wasn’t a perfect human and she had her right to her opinion of me. And you know what? I have my right to my opinion of me. So I could say that’s all true without making it mean anything terrible about me. And I could see how she could believe that from her point of view and how that could all be true from her point of view.

And I could honor her without needing to push back, get defensive or go into victim mode. Embracing your imperfections and accepting yourself fully as part of stepping into openness and ownership and your own power you can create something amazing for yourself, which allows you to create something amazing with your kids.

When you acknowledge and accept your flaws, nothing can be used against you because you already know your own truth. True intimacy lies in your ability to hear other people’s feedback and opinions. without defensiveness. When you can sit with them, you can be with them and genuinely listen to their thoughts, hear their emotions, and not need to defend yourself, that is where you truly begin to have extreme ownership over your life.

Blame is a mechanism people often use to discharge their pain and discomfort instead of addressing and processing it. When you are open to experiencing all of the emotions, that come up for you, you unlock the true power and are able to overcome any limitations of the victim mentality. Being willing to feel any emotion is an absolute game changer.

No emotion is too scary or overwhelming if you can approach it with courage. It’s about confronting your fears and facing discomfort, not trying to make it go away by blaming someone else or defending yourself. In your parenting journey, it’s essential to identify areas where you may be avoiding emotions.

Are there conversations you’re unwilling to have because you fear the emotions that might come up? And if that’s so, why? Who are you blaming? What am I afraid of? By embracing vulnerability and openness and engaging in those honest discussions with yourself and your kids You are creating space for growth, understanding and connection.

you start by asking yourself when you feel sad, “Am I blaming someone? Am I blaming myself? The kids? My partner? What things am I not doing and why am I avoiding them? Whether it’s anger, sadness, or any other emotion, Where is my locus of control? Is it inside of me or outside of me?”

When you do this, you are taking 100 percent responsibility for your emotions and you are shifting yourself out of victim mentality and into a place of extreme vulnerability.

Allow yourself to fully experience the emotions and explore the underlying thought patterns that have triggered it. By taking ownership of your emotions, you can respond to the situation with empathy and guide yourself and your children out of victim mode and into extreme vulnerability, openness, and ownership mode.

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Gets your kids to WANT to listen... without the yelling, ultimatums, or bribes!

Connect Method Parenting gives you the practical tips & techniques to make you feel calm, connected, and in control with every parenting situation. Finally learn why you’re having such a hard time when the kids don’t listen, and what you can do about it (instead of yelling).

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Andee Martineau

Andee’s a mom of 6, reformed yeller, and the creator of Connect Method Parenting. She’s on a mission to help moms feel in control, bring the fun back into parenting, and ditch the yelling, corrections, and endless feelings of failure!

Can you imagine your kids happily listening to you, helping around the house, confiding in you, and getting along with their siblings? She’s got you covered with simple, scientifically-sound steps to do just that (that actually work. For real!)

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