Solve the Connection Problem

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I WANT my kids to listen better!!

I WANT dreamy relationships with my kiddos.

I WANT to stop feeling out of control.

I WANT to be more patient and stop yelling!!

These were just a few things I wanted as a parent 20+ years ago.

But for years I couldn’t figure out how to do it…but I kept at it and finally things started to shift for me.

Here’s one of the things that helped me flip my parenting script!!

I realized that what I thought was attention-seeking behavior was connection-seeking behavior.

BOOM…when this sunk in a huge shift happened.

I began to realize the reason my daughter wouldn’t pick up her toys until I’d asked her 10+ times didn’t mean she was being defiant, sassy, or spoiled.

It had to do with CONNECTION! The behavior was just a symptom of something going inside of her and if I focused on connecting with her instead of fixing the behavior using consequences or rewards things worked out so much better in the long run.

When I figured this out…whoosh everything changed.⁠

That’s when I realized that when my kids weren’t listening to me I had to stop saying thinking things like…

…”Why is she so difficult?”

…”Why can’t she just pick up the toys? It isn’t that hard?”

…”What am I going to do to teach her a lesson so she’ll learn she has to pick up her toys?”

…”If she can’t pick up her toys then I’m going to take her toys away.”

These default thoughts…

>> focused on the problem

>> disconnected me further from my kiddos

>> never gave me what I was looking for (better listening and stronger relationship)

I wish I’d known this earlier…but as they say, we get things exactly when we are ready for them.

So once I learned this it was FULL STOP!!!

CONNECTION IS THE KEY.

Now when things aren’t going according to plan I ask myself questions like…

…“How can I serve my child best in this situation?”

…“I wonder what is off with our connection that’s causing us to not communicate very well right now?”

…“I wonder what might be going on for her that she’s acting like this right now?”⁠

…”How can I support myself in this situation so that I show up the best I can?”

➡️ It all comes back to connection. ⬅️⁠

As a parent, if we first work on solving the connection problem instead of the behavior problem everything would work out so much better.⁠

Want to learn more about Connective Parenting?

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Andee Martineau

Andee’s a mom of 6, reformed yeller, and the creator of Connect Method Parenting. She’s on a mission to help moms feel in control, bring the fun back into parenting, and ditch the yelling, corrections, and endless feelings of failure!

Can you imagine your kids happily listening to you, helping around the house, confiding in you, and getting along with their siblings? She’s got you covered with simple, scientifically-sound steps to do just that (that actually work. For real!)

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