Conscious Parenting

Hey, hey everybody! I am so excited. To be here with Elizabeth, a dear friend of mine, I can’t believe we were just talking before we hit record that we have known each other since 2018.

It seems like forever, even longer than that. And then it seems like so fast too. Don’t you think it’s like it’s been forever and it feels like anyway, all of the things. So I’m so happy. It’s a good friendship. It is. It’s totally a sign of a good friendship. And Elizabeth is amazing. She is the founder of Granted.

I’m going to let her tell a little bit more about her story. Cause she has. The most amazing story. The mom of a seven year old daughter who is so precious. I wish all of you could meet her. She’s just the best. And she has been through a lot of different scenarios with her parenting, with her, just her life, her health, all of the kinds of things.

So we’re going to talk about a lot of stuff today. We’ll see how it unfolds. We’re going to talk about Connect Method Parenting and how us working together changed. Her experience as a mom and her experience to going through some pretty significant health challenges and how that’s led her to where she is now.

So before we get started, Elizabeth, you have to tell everybody what you’re doing right now, because I am so inspired, so inspired by the mission you have and what you’re doing in the world. So tell everyone a little bit about you, what you’re up to, and then we’ll dive into some other parenting topics.

Thank you. I’m so glad to be here, Andy. I feel like you are born to do this work and the podcast is just the fastest way to get it out to people. So I’m really grateful that you’re doing it. And thank you for having me. Oh, you know, one of the challenges that I’ve been through over the last several years is I’ve been diagnosed with cancer two different times.

And so it’s just really, You know, the experience of going through it as a health challenge has, has really impacted every area of my life. And, you know, I just have this real understanding of what it it’s like to go kind of along this, you know, what it feels like the normal path of life and then have this huge kind of, you know, in my case, it felt like a bomb had gone off.

Right. And so to try to kind of recover from that is, has been. You know, a really significant issue in my life. And so I have just founded this company called Granted, G R A A N T E D, which is designed to help people who’ve been diagnosed with significant injury or illness find help and hope and a way to pay for it as they recuperate.

So we’re really looking at ways to sort of connect people who have been diagnosed, you know, find providers who will allow for greater quality of life. With relatively low financial impact, and it is just such a great joy to be able to put good into the world after all of the challenges. It’s so amazing.

We’ll link in the show notes, like her website that they’re working on and everything. It’s so amazing. When we, we were talking about this maybe a month ago or two months, I don’t know. Time flies. Obviously I have the best sense of time in reality. We were talking about this a little bit ago and this idea of like granted, and I always think every time you talk about it, this fairy godmother, like granting a wish to someone who isn’t able to do it themselves and then helping that the family member or the friend, you It gives them direction on how can I actually help this person who I love dearly and I don’t know what to do other than bring them a casserole or something and maybe they don’t want that.

And I think it’s really similar to probably that your mission, right? It’s like, how do we give help to people that actually feels like help and not a burden, right? And I think that’s what you’re doing too, which is like, you know, when I need help, I want help that feels shame free and it feels useful and it feels timely and it feels like you’re giving it.

To me, right. That it’s a gift to me feels customized. And I think that’s, that’s something you’re doing too. I think we’re really aware that the only way to help people really is to give them the help they need, not just the help we want to provide. Yes. Oh, it’s so good. You’re right. It’s, it’s the same as a parent, right?

We want to give the help our kids need, not the help we think they need or we hope they want. Yeah, it is really similar. So I’m so excited about the work you’re doing and yeah. I can’t wait to just talk more about it. We’ll have to have you on again when it’s like to the next level, but I love it. So tell me a little bit about your story as far as parenting goes and where you were.

Cause we’ve worked together over the last on and off for last couple of years and it’s been a journey and I just am so honored. that you invited me in and trusted me to help you. I just, every time I get to help any parent, it just feels like a privilege. It really is. So thank you. And thanks for coming on and talking about your experience so we can share it with more people.

But yeah, give us a little bit of a picture of what that was like, what brought you in. And yeah, sometimes I feel like, you know, the cancer issue comes up for me all the time, but it really was such a huge issue. My daughter was. Almost to the first time it kind of entered as a, you know, high probability and she was just had just turned to when I had surgery.

It was a fertility ending surgery. And so it really was a devastating experience for me and I often think. The hard part of a diagnosis like that just to hear the words you have cancer. The hard part is this rush of questions that comes in, right? Like this rush of questions about who do I wanna be and what are my values, and what do I wanna make sure my daughter knows and understands about the world?

And that is a really natural part of this. Sort of crisis of being right that these questions come up the gift is if we get to live long enough to answer those questions. And I so far have received that gift, right? And so as I process those questions, I knew the thing that rose to the top of who do I want to be in this world, regardless of how much time I have, is I want to be the best parent I can possibly be.

And I did not know how to do that. That’s when I found you. I just, I knew that I couldn’t do it on my own. I needed to have a place where I could come and be really vulnerable about, you know, this isn’t something that I feel I have years of practice, right? This is not something where I want to become a Malcolm Gladwell, 10, 000 hours expert.

Like I need to know what are the kernels right now that can help me. Be the best mom for this baby, and that’s what I came and said to you is like Please help me be the mom the best mom I can be and to do it in a way that helps her and It’s age appropriate for her but allows me to know like if I don’t have a lot of time I imparted the most important things for me.

So we did some really deep work really fast, you know, and it was I cried a lot, right? Because I wanted more than anything that I would be able to understand, like, what’s the essence of what’s important to me and give that to her in a way that felt beautiful and not burdensome to her, right? I didn’t want my help to her to feel burdensome.

I wanted it to feel lovely and light and, you know, like something that you could look back on and feel really nostalgic and lovely about, not that it was like this. Deep dark experience. So I think I kind of came to you and said, these are my cards. Like, help me play them. Help me play them well. Yeah. I remember the conversation we had and it was, you were so vulnerable and I, I loved that about how you showed up.

I think. As parents, it is such an important job and whatever that crisis that hits that makes us wake up and say, okay, like, this is the most important job I have of all the things I’m doing here on this planet. But a lot of times there’s so much shame around it. Did you have that? Was it hard to come and like, say like, Hey, I’m struggling with this.

I know for me, I was so ashamed. I was like, I hope no one can hear me yelling. And losing my mind when my kids were little because it was, I was so embarrassed and I tried to put on this good show in front of everyone else, but then cried myself to sleep every night. Can you relay it? Was that similar? Was it hard?

Cause I’m trying to break that down and be like, it’s not something to be ashamed about. Yeah. Yeah. You know, it’s so interesting. I think my MO was more like I was. I felt so shame was a huge part of my story, but I think I thought the best that I could give her was to like, put her in the best daycare and then put her in the best schools and like expose her to kind of the best care possible, like as little of me as possible in the best of like schools.

Right. And so I really felt like I spent. A lot of time working, you know, I went right back to work after she was born and I made sure that she was in, you know, what felt like the best preschool around us. I was really able to go and see her, you know, at lunch break. So that was kind of my M. O. is more to like, surround her.

In, you know, what I felt like would give her the best potential at life. Right. And, and my fear was, you know, that I would somehow break her. So the less of me, the best. And so that was really, I felt like I was more trying to facilitate a life than maybe as actively involved as, as I wanted to be. Once I knew it was vulnerable, right.

Once I knew that I might.

And I think, you know, we’ve had small crisis since then, right? These moments where you’re like, where I think like, oh, it’s, we’re not on cruise control right now, right? This is, this is a time to pay attention. We’ve had these events over the years as you do. And there has not been another time in my life where like each one of those diagnosis, Felt like a bomb had gone off.

And so even though there was shame and there was fear and I came to you as broken as I’ve ever been, the fear of not having time was able to kind of push all of that aside. Like that became the number one priority. I had to put my pride aside and the shame aside and everything aside and just say like, I need help.

Like, please help me. I can remember like sitting and talking to you and having those conversations and just saying like, I don’t know how to do this, I want to do it really well, and there’s nothing I want more, but I really need help, and I did, I needed help, and you gave it to me. I mean, I tell everybody that it was amazing.

One of the most life changing and positive experiences of my life. And you gave me the most important relationship of my life, you know, which I would not have had. And it is the greatest gift on a hundred percent is the relationship that I have with her now. You know, it’s just beautiful. I mean, it always makes me tear up, but there was this moment after you and I had been working together and I, I wasn’t a big yeller.

I was more of an avoider, but there was this moment we, we like to take like markers, you know, the soft markers and we’ll like drawn notes on each other’s hands. And there was this moment when I had been working with you and I was really working on spending a lot of time and really connecting with her and like doing a lot of eye contact and she was still really little and she brought my cheek down and she drew a heart on my cheek and then she drew one on her cheek and she said, let’s just put our hearts together.

And then she pulled our cheeks together and I just thought like. This moment is impossible without Andy, you know, it was just like, It makes me like want to cry. It makes me cry every time I think about it because it was not possible if I hadn’t met you, you know, and our whole, you know, she’ll be eight this fall and we have so many moments like that and instead It would have been me cheering her on and watching her hug her teachers you know, that’s what I planned is that I hope she’ll have really great teachers and instead like I mean, we’re really connected.

It’s really You Lovely. We almost never yell at each other. We giggle a lot. We call each other on our stuff. Like it’s not perfect. And you know, I apologize easily. She apologizes easily. You know, we had another moment where we were in the park and she was riding her bike and I saw somebody was doing something that they were smoking on a bench.

And I was like, Oh, I don’t want her to ride through that bend or through that spot. And so I was like, lovey, you know, you need to come a different way. And she didn’t want to, what she wanted to do was prove that she could write up this hill and I was like, no lovey this way, you know, and she’s like, mom, no, and I was like, Oh, that’s her cue.

Like when she says my name that way, that’s her cue. Like, no, you’re not hearing me. And so I, I was like, you know, said to myself, like, I can let this one go. Right. Like, she’s telling me her needs are more important than mine. And my fear is probably not going to result, right? She’s probably not really going to get hurt from writing through that.

It’s not what I want, but what she’s saying is like, hear me, see me. And so I did. And then she got to the top of the hill and I’m like walking up and thinking like, Oh my God, I hope I did that one. Right. And I get to the top of the hill and she looked back at me with this big smile and she was, I love you so much.

And I was like, Oh, I heard her. And she knows that. But I could have been the mom who was like, Absolutely not putting my foot down, right? To prevent and to be right and to get my way. But I just hear your voice in my head, which is she’s doing the best that she can. And that’s given us a relationship I never could have dreamed of.

Ah, my goodness. I love those stories. I remember as you’re telling them, I’m remembering when we talked about them when we were on a call together and, Oh my gosh, hope I can keep my tears. Me too. Me too. She’s doing the best she can. I don’t know how many times I told you that. I think that should be like tattooed.

If I was going to tattoo something on me, that would be my, one of my tattoos. They’re doing the best they can, but it goes for moms too. And I hope. That everyone’s hearing, like how much grace, like you’re working through like the situation and you’re like, I hope I’m doing the right thing. I’m not really, you know, but we’re all that we’re all doing the best we can.

And when we can come from that calm place, like we just can connect and listen. And I love what you’re saying about listening, just really seeing her. That’s what our kids want. That’s what we want. Oh my goodness. I love it. I think what I didn’t realize on this whole parenting journey is I thought I would see.

The impact of these changes, like when she was grown up, right? Like that doing better now would mean like, we’d have a better relationship when she was a teenager, when she’s an adult, I didn’t expect that. Like she’d get to the top of the hill and that would have improved our relationship. Like she didn’t say.

You know, watch me, or you watched me, or you know, it wasn’t about her. It was about that feeling of love, and I don’t think that I realize like how impactful these, these kind of changes are, especially with kiddos, like that they matter now. It’s not just about rebuilding a relationship so that she wants me in her life later.

She feels that love now, and that’s really beautiful to me. Every day I could make that my goal, like instead of like, I tend to be a really long term thinker, right? Like that’s been my work in the world has been really long term kind of work and like laying the groundwork. And I think that’s really what I was thinking I would do with her, with the schools, right?

It was like, I’m going to lay the groundwork so that she has a great future. And I didn’t really think a lot about like, what does every day look like? And so I think, you know, cause you and I spent a lot of time going through, Really deeply going through a couple of scenarios, right? Like I would say that this went well, or this didn’t go well.

And when we did our coaching together, we would go through kind of step by step. What was this like for me? Or what was this like for her? And it helped me really see how much impact this stuff has on her day to day and then on my day to day, which is obvious, but it wasn’t the way my mindset was right.

Like that mindset isn’t what made me kind of successful in the world. So it was retraining my brain. And then. Now the joy of just being able to say like. You know, I put in my calendar as many days as I can. I’m going to walk to school and pick her up. Right. And that going home, we create consistency. Like, I think I ask her almost every day, like, what did you learn today?

What made you laugh out loud? Did anything make you cry? Did you see anybody else cry? Right. And the consistency of those questions, like she thinks about them. I thought about this. I want to tell my mom, like when I laughed out loud. Right. And so those are the kinds of things that you and I talked about change our day to day.

And then I don’t have to think about the future as much. I get to just think about, like, can I at least remember my questions today? I love that. I love those questions and the consistency. So tell me if I’m wrong, but it sounds like it just helped you be more present. Yeah. And, but I have beliefs that I could be.

Like, I didn’t know that I knew how to do that. So you know, you and I talked about like how to be present and, and my first reaction was like fear. But my second reaction was like, no, I think I can do this, you know? Yeah. Well, just the four questions is like, that’s a way to be present. Like it was really different for me just for somebody to say, if, if you had just said, well, just be present, I think I would be like, In a panic, like, oh my God, I don’t know how to do that.

What does that mean? What does that mean? Right? I know, right? I mean, it’s kind of cliche almost now. It’s like, just be present. You’re like, really? Okay. But that means like, tune in, ask questions. And so when I can start doing some of those things, then I was like, Oh, I find a little joy in those moments, you know, so that was really helpful.

Yeah. I love, I love the simplicity. It really is so simple, honestly, you know, sometimes I’m like, it’s really simple, but it’s, it’s the work of retraining our brain. Just like you said, what does it mean to be present? How can I do it with something tactical, you know, that I can actually implement today that will help me.

And then doing it every day that creates the new. neural pathway, right? Until now, your new default is this. It doesn’t take the effort. It doesn’t take the effort and the longevity of it just starts to accumulate. What do you think the biggest shift in your thinking was like the thoughts before I know we’ve kind of touched on it, but like if you had to summarize it before versus after.

I was so afraid of like breaking her, right? And so our work together gave me the confidence that even I could be a good mom. And so just like learning to trust myself was really beautiful for me. I think you gave me a lot of hope. And then there’s these like kind of daily experiences that reinforce that until, I mean, being a mom is the most important thing in the world to me.

So I do work really hard at it. And, you know, I’ve come back to you over the years at different times because it is really important to me, but I just like, can’t even tell you how much it means to me when she says you’re the best mom in the whole world, you know, and it’ll be in the car. Like, we’ll, we love to sing the greatest showman together.

And so we’ll listen to that soundtrack. There’s one song, like we sing it at the top of our lungs. So we finished it the other day and I like looked back in her and a little car seat and I like smiled at her and she said, you’re the best mom in the whole world. And I thought like, what a gift to have that unprompted, you know, that wasn’t possible for me for sure.

I never even imagined that that would be possible. I was so positive that I was going to mess it up and then to like, Be willing to ask for help, to receive it as gracefully as you gave it. And. I think you gave so many concrete examples, you know, like one that I give to people all the time is I can remember saying to you, like, I hate leaving in the morning in a state of like fury and fluster, right?

Like we were just. Like running toward the door with like shoes on tide and like, has anybody brushed their teeth? Does anybody have their hair done right? Like, I’m sure everybody listening is like, I know what you’re talking about. They can all, we’ve all been there. Yeah. And I would just say to you, like, it’s like the worst to drop her off in this Unsettled, like little hearts broken moments.

And so you had us put together our playlist, right? So it’s a series of songs we listen to every morning. And so like we have our brushing the teeth song and we have our breakfast song, you know, we’re in our third year of doing that. So we do that every year before school starts. So now we’re on our second grade.

I love that. Yeah. I love it. It’s so fun because like, she’s so proud of it. Like every time a friend comes over, she’s like, mom, play our second grade playlist. I love it. Our like leaving out of the house song now is the eye of the tiger. Right. And so that’s a good one. That’s a good one. It’s you focused.

Yeah. It’s so fun. And it’s not like it’s perfect every day, but we get to come back to something that we both love. Right. And I think the process of like creating the playlist and she gets to tell me her favorite songs. And like, we have conversations that I wouldn’t have had before, you know, it’s like fun to see how her songs have changed over three years.

And I don’t know, these kinds of ways that like, it’s not like, like you said, it’s so simple, right. But like, I play brown eyed girl to wake her up. Oh. And so she hears that and I can see her sometimes smile with her little eyes closed, right? Because she knows what’s coming and it’s so loving. I think that’s like, like what a gift that I get to live in a loving household.

So lovely. Yes. I love the morning playlist. It’s the best. It’s like a choreographed dance in the morning. And if any of the songs come on from when my kids were little that we used to do, I mean, everyone stops and they burst into song or they’ll like be like, Oh, this was the song we had to wake up to.

You don’t know, remember the feeling of dread of having to get out of bed. So I love that you guys are, are implementing that. And it’s such a good idea. I hope anyone who hears that, if you want to go run with it, that’s a good one. That’s a really good, practical, easy. Thank you. Playful too. And I think we don’t play enough with our kids.

We’re so serious. We got to get out the door. We got to do this thing and that thing play is so powerful. Yes. Also like I’m not yelling, right? Because I’m like, Oh, I have the tigers on. Guess we got to go. Right. She knows what that means. She knows what it’s implied. It’s like, Oh, it’s time to go. You don’t have to say it’s time to go.

Yeah. Yeah. So that’s like so lovely. Like it puts us back on the same team. Yeah. Which is so huge for our kids to feel like we’re on the same team. It also puts you in the driver’s seat, which we haven’t talked a lot about this. So I don’t know how this landed for you when you’re working together, but this idea of like being the authority.

And like how important that is for our kids and, and it’s a little tricky. Sometimes we get confused. We’re like, well, I want them to be collaborative and it’s not about them not being collaborative. Like we’re just talking about, she’s helping you with the playlist, but learning how to be the one that’s taking care of the needs.

So their nervous system can relax. So you don’t have that tug of war. So that’s also woven into the, to a lot of the things you’re talking about is stepping up and being the alpha in a good way, good kind, caring way that they can calm down and just relax. So, right. Yeah. So good. What was the most surprising thing, do you think, from implementing Connect Method Parenting?

Like that it’s actually really joyful, you know, like parenting is joyful now. I think I thought a lot before, like, do I yell at this point? You know, like, is this, and now I think, I don’t, I am not perfect. A hundred percent. I have moments right now, even that I’m not proud of, right. That I like, I go back.

All of us. Yeah. I agree. But we apologize easily. So I, I think what was surprising to me is like, you know, most of the time I can catch myself and not yell. There are some triggers that I still really work on. So that’s the first part, right? Is like, there’s less yelling, less disconnection, but I also didn’t know how to repair when there was.

And so that’s the other part of it. I kind of organically, we do this thing now where if I feel like we’re disconnected, even if it’s not like. Because there’s been a flare up between us, even if it’s like something seems like maybe it’s going on at school or with a friend or something, I will say to her, like, how’s your little heart is what I usually say.

How’s your little heart? And then she will put her heart, her little hand in the heart shape, and then I’ll meet it in a heart shape. And if her heart’s hurt or if mine’s heart. Then we separate them and then we keep talking until they can come back together. Beautiful, Elizabeth. I love that. So it’s been so great to be able to be like, you know, she’s really kind of natural, naturally resilient in these ways and tends to be more hurt about these things.

Right. And so I feel like, It’s given me this opportunity to like really know her. And I love this expression, which is God doesn’t have any grandchildren. And I love that it’s like what you’re saying, like it’s my job to take care of her, but she’s a human, right? She’s also this like autonomous human who has her own life path.

It is not mine to like, to tell her what to do. Right. Like I want to show her the foundation of like, what’s important to us is Our family and what I hope for her and wish for her, but eventually, you know, and ultimately this is her life. Right. And so I love the idea of like finding a way to parent and know her as this beautiful human that is like, I think she’s already complete.

I think she was born complete and now I just get to see that unfold. Right. And so I love how connect has shown me to to show up as like a shepherd. Right. Like not a director. Right. Yeah. So that’s the joy for me is that like, I don’t have to be her perfect parent. My goal is to be as whole and complete as I can.

Right. So that she’s bumping up against a healed person rather than, you know, we’re just triggering each other. So that’s, this, it gives me autonomy to work on myself and to know that. She can work on her. I mean, it’s just like this beautiful unfolding rather than all of these, like, um, I don’t know. It feels like this beautiful unfolding rather than all of these, like, sharp, jagged rocks for us to climb over, you know?

And it doesn’t mean that you don’t get, like, you know, sometimes the waves come on pretty strong. Like there’s, there are some hard days, but we are creating a relationship that allows for that more than I would have thought possible. Yeah. So you can weather any storm. Yeah. And I love to think of parenting as like, you’re a gardener too.

It’s the same as like the shepherd, but you know, you think of a garden, there’s seasons, right? And some seasons are winter and it feels a little cold and brittle. And then you have spring and summer and, and fall and all of those seasons. And so It’s not supposed to be perfect. Life is, I haven’t met anybody who gets to miss out on the, on the challenges.

So I love the repairing and the, Hey, it’s just, we need a little more fertilizer for her to be able to become who she needs to become. And I didn’t realize that. And that’s okay. And I’m going to course correct and it’s beautiful. Oh my gosh, this has been so amazing. I wonder if maybe you could say any advice you might have for any parents that are listening that might be feeling.

similar to what you were feeling at the beginning. Maybe it doesn’t feel very hopeful or they don’t feel like, you know, they’ve been able to turn it around because they can’t stay patient or they don’t understand, you know, they haven’t figured it out. Right. And what would you say to them? I would say like, like lean in, do this work.

I think I thought learning to parent, quote unquote, learning to parent was going to feel very, like almost like rigid, right? That there was a set, that there was a set of tools or a set of steps that other people have that I didn’t have. And instead, like when I think about how I learned, it feels more like laughter, right?

And I think we’ve touched on a bit, but not a ton. Um, like. I think play was a really big deal and it didn’t come naturally to me. Like I feel a sense of like embarrassment that like I had to ask people, how do you play with your kids? Because I wasn’t a kid who played with a lot of imagination games, right?

Like I had a bike and a book and that was like my jam, you know, but I have this daughter who’s like jumped into a princess dress at one and didn’t get out of it until she was six. And I was like, I have no idea. How to do this, you know, but once I found some, the questions to ask, I asked you, I asked some caring friends, like, how do you play?

And I kind of had this, you know, outline, it changed our relationship. Right. And I started saying, like, what does play feel for me? A lot of times it feels like being in the pool. So like, like, You know, I really taught her to swim really little when she was really little. Right. So we started laughing a lot more.

I thought it was going to look like a lot more like discipline and more rules and a lot sharper, and instead it felt a lot softer and a lot more. Fluid. You know, like she loves to sit on the counter and cook with me. And I think if you had said like, would I allow a child on the counter with knives? No.

Right. I learned to cook things that didn’t require that just so we could do it together. Yes. Right. So learning to be flexible and seeing us as like an us rather than, you know, I’m her mom and she’s little, I started to see us as like, how, how would we do this as a team? Right. Love that. Yeah. My normal. MO was to say, how could I facilitate?

Well, that always put her to the side rather than to bring her in. And so I learned, like, actually, you know, we like pasta and we like, you know, potatoes and like soft foods and, you know, we could do strawberries and all these things that like, we could actually joyfully do together. Once we started doing a lot of that, just really rearranging things To be an us rather than a me and her, a lot of it came a lot more easily.

And I think the other thing that is like, again, it always makes me teary, but you know, it changes the way her friends see me, you know, like I thought it was cool that other moms would have the house that kids wanted to come to. Right. And now like, we’re the kitchen dancing house, which is shocking to me.

I love it. Yeah. So that’s really pretty soon. You’ll be tech talking it. Cause she’s going to get older. Put that off, put that off. But no, my fifth. Yeah. It’s so cool though, to be that place. And it’s not like a permissive free for all either. Yeah. It’s like structured and loving and supportive. And you know, it’s not like I’ve like released her to the wolves and anything goes like, we’re still doing things within our values.

We’re just doing them together. Yeah. Yeah. I think that’s the biggest misconception. People come, they think it’s going to be this passive, this passive parent, like hippie and love. And I, I mean, I’m all about all the love and everything, but you know, just that that’s all there is. And there’s no rules and there’s no structures at all in place or boundaries in place.

And it’s not that at all. In fact, I don’t know what your thoughts are about consequences. If that was a hard thing, that’s really scary for a lot of parents to think like I can’t do which I, when I say consequences, I mean punitive consequences. Cause most of us were either given consequences out of frustration and a punitive punishing way or the, we tend to do it too.

So I like the word limits, but so when we’re giving a punitive consequence, you know, parents think if I let go of that, I’m not going to have any tools left. Like they’re just going to run crazy. And so I love that you brought that up, but that’s not the case at all. Well, tell me your experience as you, as you release kind of some of that, maybe the, the fear or like, I need to like have this in place and do it kind of from a place of controlling and release it in the collaboration, like you’re talking about in the playing together.

Did you find it actually worked better? I mean, that’s how it was for me. Like, it feels like it was just so much simpler. Yeah. But I would love you to talk about it because this is like so scary, you know, for so many moms to let go of. I think what’s actually kind of funny is our house runs pretty smoothly.

Like we don’t have, we don’t tend to have a lot of like issues come. Home, but when we’re at other people’s house or we’re at sports or, you know, dance or whatever, you know, at a friend’s house or whatever, that’s when 10 big things tend to come up. So now she’ll say to me, are we going to talk about this in the car, which means has anything happened today that like, you’re going to want to have a conversation with me about.

And it’s so funny because she always says it as this, like, uh, mom, you know, kind of a, Thing about, you know, like nobody’s crying. It’s not like there’s been like huge consequences. And the fact of the matter is we have to talk about things from time to time. Right. I do have a lot of car conversations and a thing the other day where, you know, it was, we call them a double play date.

She meets with the kid and I’m hanging out with, you know, parents that I like to hang out with. So we were on a double play date and she was like really interrupting a lot and like, kind of. Wanting to just be at the grownup table right instead of the kid’s table kind of thing And I was like getting frustrated because it was like nothing was running smoothly, you know And so we got in the car and she’s like you’re gonna talk to me, aren’t you?

What was happening, you know, like yeah, I don’t understand yeah, and she said I was so bored and I was like Oh Okay, yeah, your normal friend wasn’t there. Like, your normal little partner person wasn’t there. Of course, like, of course you’re bored. So there was no yelling, right? And now I also know that when she’s acting that way, which is out of character, like, instead of me being frustrated, which is where I want, it’s my cue to say, like, she’s unsettled, right?

And I can deal with her being unsettled. Which, you know, if I, I sometimes play the tape forward of what I would have done, which is send her to her room, right? And then I lose that opportunity to understand, and every future time where she’s bored, she’s in trouble. That’s It’s terrible for everybody, right?

So I think that’s the thing is like really being able to like, we’ve built a foundation where she’s willing to say those things. We also have a code word, which is pineapple. And we drop anything if the other one says pineapple and love that it doesn’t happen all that often, but sometimes it does. And that, you know, above all, if she comes to me, no matter what it says, pineapple.

Like I know that she’s emotionally needs some attention and I think I have so much gratitude and respect for the fact that she comes to me in those moments and says like, I’m off, right, you know, she could instead do something that gets my attention right and maybe a negative way and it said she has enough insight and kind of control over her feelings to say like I need help.

And so we really honor that. And that’s been really helpful, too. And it also, like, I’ve said to her, like, when I see things going on, you know, sometimes, like, new dynamics with people or, you know, older kids and younger kids, right? They’re just things that come up and, and I’ve been able to say, like, hey, Pineapple, and it’s really easy.

She’ll walk away and I’ll just say, like, hey, this doesn’t seem like it’s going well, right? But again, like, we lose that sort of punitive consequence. Like, we stop it, right? And that’s been really helpful to just say, like, I actually don’t want yelling. I don’t like sending her to our room. So, like, let’s put some sort of, like, stage gates in, right?

That help us not get to that point. And they’re sort of natural, conversational ways of dealing with it. Uh, so good. You have just applied this so beautifully, this idea of connection based parenting, connect with the parenting, and just, I love what you’re saying. Because when you send them to the room, or give them the consequence, There’s so many things that are working against us saying that we’re fueling their frustration or their boredom by misunderstanding them.

They feel like maybe something’s wrong with them because we sent them away. We’re all up in our arms about it or whatever. Instead of just thinking behavior is information. What is this telling me? Which is exactly what you did. It’s just information. And you found out. So quickly it’s boredom, which it’s always something, it always makes sense if we just give it a chance to speak.

Yeah. So good. I also have this really tough time at like 7 PM most nights, right? That’s my tough time and I don’t have a lot of patience then. And so the other thing that I learned with you is that I don’t have to be perfect. And so I just say to her like, Hey, we’re getting pretty close to my witching hour, which means like I have less patience and.

I need you to, like, come to me rather than me come to you, right? So, like, let’s both get upstairs, right? Let’s both on the double here. And to just be like, yeah, this is my weak point. And I get through it by 7 20. That’s a tough hour for, you know, those kinds of things where we have those codes with each other.

It’s a lot of trust. A lot of honesty. I mean, you’re being so honest. I think sometimes as parents, cause we’re trying to be perfect. We, we aren’t allowed to have the 7 PM time where we’re down, you know, but to just say, Hey, this, I’m not feeling great. And I’m probably going to snap at you if you do something or whatever it is, whatever our tendency is.

Right. I’ve said that too. I think last night I was in bed by 9 30. Cause I’m like, I’m just exhausted and I’m going to bed and everyone’s alive. And. And the dishes aren’t done and that’s okay. You know, like it’s fine. It’s fine. I love that everyone’s doing the best they can because we really are. And if we can apply that to ourselves and our kids, I think we can figure anything out.

I love that you talked about play. Thank you for bringing that up. We didn’t talk about it nearly enough, but you dove into it and expanded it really well. And I’m so glad because Play isn’t just about playing Legos or playing dolls or, you know, like sitting on the counter and making dinner together and just being in the moment.

That’s play. Yes, that’s play. So redefining what that means so we can be present. In whatever moment we are so powerful. Well, any final words? I just honor your wisdom and your grace and you’re just killing it as a mom. Like I love it. So thanks for giving me an update on all things and sharing it with everyone.

So good. You might as well have given me an Oscar to say that, you know, like, that’s just not what I imagined for my life. So it’s just such a gift. You are such a gift. I will never stop thanking you for what you have given me. So the opportunity to have a shame free zone to come and say, I need help is so beautiful.

And I think that you’re really so insightful that it’s not like you’re going to be a better parent in three years. Like you couldn’t be a better parent tomorrow, right? These relationships change quickly. And I just, you know, if anybody is struggling, I would say like just lean in and do this work. And it’s, Small changes make a huge impact and things can be much better than you expect in a relatively short period of time.

So, I’m just so grateful for you and for your work. You know, I know how hard that you work at this and to create a really accessible platform for people and you are a gift. Thank you. It’s a passion and you have your passion too, which is granted. So we’re going to share that. We’ll end being a mother, which you’re amazing at, but we’ll share granted in the notes.

And I hope everyone goes and checks it out. It’s such a good way to, to help people who. Who need help, but maybe aren’t, you’re not sure how to help them, you know, and they get to also express that. So I’m so glad that you’re doing that work. I feel like, like you said, it’s similar visions, just slightly different input, you know, way we’re implementing it in the world.

So thank you so much, Elizabeth, for being here. I’m better. I’m such a better mom just from talking to you. Thank you so much.

If you enjoyed listening to this podcast, come check out league, my connect method, parenting coaching program, where we take this material and we apply it using my proven formula, head over to cmp. works forward slash join.

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Andee Martineau

Andee’s a mom of 6, reformed yeller, and the creator of Connect Method Parenting. She’s on a mission to help moms feel in control, bring the fun back into parenting, and ditch the yelling, corrections, and endless feelings of failure!

Can you imagine your kids happily listening to you, helping around the house, confiding in you, and getting along with their siblings? She’s got you covered with simple, scientifically-sound steps to do just that (that actually work. For real!)

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